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Desperately need some help...

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Allstar

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Desperately need some help...

PostWed Jan 14, 2015 10:36 pm

I'm facing a bit of a life altering dilemma right now, or rather lately. If you read all of this, God bless you and I can't thank you enough.

First, you may or may not have seen/read my recent thread(s) pertaining to selling my soul, if not, basically I have not 'officially' done so, but in my mind and heart I made the decision that I want to do so, and if given the opportunity to do so set in stone I would. So for the sake of this thread we'll just say that I sold my soul.

(I will be using the term sold my soul frequently, but think of it as a basket term for lack of a better one)

With that being said, I am posting this to ask the question, will surrendering my soul and fate to Satan make things in my life.... I guess always go wrong, for lack of a way better term?

Reason being, it seems that is the case for me. If memory serves me correct, ever since I really told myself I want to sell my soul, things have just went downhill.

(These are not in chronological order)

I lost all my friends, developed a case of schizophrenia, struggled with and still do struggle with suicide, had a seizure and broke 2 vertebrae in my back somehow, I have fairly frequent panic attacks that I never had before. More recently I left home and all my family and am now homeless, on the other side of the country, states away from them. My mental ability has been severely diminished, I have a hard time constructing thoughts and explaining things (hence why I always say 'for lack of a better term') I have become extremely introverted and socially reserved, I hate conversation in person or online and I never know what to say.

Now to elaborate on some of what I just said.

1.) About a year ago I developed a case of legitimate schizophrenia (that I still have) which I spent about a month in a community mental health hospital for, prescribed anti psychotics and all. Basically I was and still do have paranoid delusions that the 'world is against me' for lack of a better term. Not the cliche world is against me, but literally against me, like everybody knows my thoughts and intentionally does things that annoy/anger me.

These quote "coincidences" happen all the time. I will break this into categories, this is the coincidence category.

Coincidences

I think everyone, and I mean everyone around me coughs, sniffs and/or constantly clears their throat to annoy me whenever I make an action or experience an emotion. For instance, as soon as I go to scratch an itch someone coughs. As soon as I sigh and take a deep breath someone coughs. As soon as I laugh, cough. If I think about a loved one passing or something sad and get the urge to cry, cough. If I get angry because of them coughing, cough cough cough. If I have headphones on, as soon as the music stops and the song switches, cough. And to top it all off, the coughs sound so fake, nobody ever produces phlegm and it's always one or two coughs. (When I LEGITIMATELY cough, it's a series of coughs not just one or two.) And the sniffing, it could be 80 degrees out and 9/10 people around me will constantly be sniffing.

2.) I can't go to the bathroom (specifically number 2) when other people are in the bathroom. So I have run little tests. I sit and watch the bathroom, for 30 minutes, an hour, 2 hours, nobody goes in. But as soon as I go in, waddya know here comes a whole influx of people one after another. It could be 4 am in the morning, McDonalds lobby is empty, maybe 1 or 2 people come in here and there, but none of them use the bathroom. As soon as I go in, here's 20 people one after another out of nowhere.

3.) I hate crossing busy streets, so you can bet every time I go to do so, there is a storm of traffic. I'll be walking down the street with no intention of crossing and there will hardly be any traffic, but as soon as I want to cross, here comes 30 cars in both directions. 2, 3, 4 am in the morning, you'd think most people are sleeping or inside for the night, not when I want to cross the street.

On this same subject, I have become very self conscious of what people think about me, so if I'm walking down the street I don't want to do anything that draws attention to me. So for example, (like I previously stated I am homeless) I'll be walking along, barely any traffic, but if I see a blanket, or food (that's safe to eat of course) or anything along these lines, I'll go to pick it up. But you can rest assured as soon as I do here comes 20 cars and 5 people on foot out of nowhere.

The timing with things like this is just always so perfect. Speaking of, another example, on the coughing subject; when I was still at home dealing with the coughing schizophrenia, my brother, or mom or my moms boyfriend, or whoever, would say "timing is everything" hmm... Guess what? As soon as they say it, someone coughs.

4.) People mimicking me/doing what I think about. I'll go to move my position when sitting or standing, as soon as I do, somebody else does the same thing. I'll go to scratch an itch, as soon as my arm moves somebody else does the same thing.

I'll think of something I want to do, for example get a drink from the water fountain, as soon as I think this boom there's a line out of nowhere. Coinciding with the previous bathroom notion, I'll have to go but I know as soon as I go to get up there will be a flood of people having to go too.

Like I said, I am homeless so I'm frequently hungry. Guess what? Everywhere I go somebody is talking about food and what they're going to eat that night. This particular situation has happened a couple times, I'll think to myself, "man I wish I had some pizza or some chinese food" So what does the person across the room say they want for dinner? Can you guess? Pizza or chinese food. But not before they add the signature cough and/or sniff/throat clear at the end.

5.) People staring at me. EVERYONE DOES THIS. I never noticed this before I 'sold my soul' Now, everywhere I go, people are constantly staring at me, and no I don't stand out. They do it because they know it annoys me and makes me uncomfortable.

6.) Using wifi and outlets to charge my phone. There are 2 main places I do this, the library and McDonalds. McDonalds has very few outlets so you can guess 9 times out of 10, no matter what time it is they will all be in use. On the subject of McDonalds and wifi, there are 2 certain employees that always say this bullshit about a "30 minute time limit in between purchases" It's only these 2 employes, nobody else says it. So guess what? No matter what time of the day or night it is, 1 pm, 1 am, 6 pm, 6 am, one or both of these employees are there.

7.) Bus ticket prices. Before I left state, I had to come up with money for a bus ticket. Whenever I didn't have money, ticket prices would drop, you can guess that when I did have money, they would rise. It's a miracle I was finally able to purchase a ticket, even though it wasn't even to the state that I originally wanted to go to.

8.) Like I previously said, I struggle with thoughts of suicide quite frequently, so sometimes (not to sound like a drama queen/attention whore) I'll make a status or two on facebook about it, you know a "don't know if I can handle this anymore" or a "things are getting too tough to deal with" but only because I need the support and kind words of family members to help me push through. 99% of the time not a single person comments or messages me to try to help and see what's wrong. Not my mom, dad, brother, aunt uncle cousin, nobody.

Infact if you go to my facebook right now it's page after page of statuses (not all about depression/suicide, some are jokes, videos, pictures, quotes etc.) that have not a single like or comment.

But guess what? I log on facebook and see a cousin say something about being depressed and here's the whole family there commenting offering help and the whole nine yards.

9.) In similar relation to number 8, likes and posts on forums I browse. I browse a couple game forums that I've been a member of for a few years. They have a like system like facebook does where if you like a post, you click like or thanks.

So for example, I'll post something funny, a video picture, joke, whatever, it gets completely ignored. But the very next post has some stupid corny joke or video or picture and half the community likes it. I don't really care too much about getting likes, it's the fact that I think people don't like my posts on purpose.

Or instead of the likes matter, I am constantly ignored. I'll make a post quoting somebody, and they won't even reply. I'll make a thread and a week later it'll have 0 replies and 200 views, and it'll be a valid thread with a decent potential for discussion too, and guess what? Somebody else will make a pointless thread right after mine and it will have 20 replies by the end of the day.

I know some of these things seem small or petty, but it's the fact that they are done on purpose that gets to me.

10.) Eating at the homeless shelter. The shelter I go to eat at near me serves food at set times, or at least they're supposed to. 11:30 am for lunch, 7:30 for dinner. But they are usually late when doing so, or at least when I get there early/on time. If I am early/on time, guess what? Food is served an hour late. But if I don't get there on time, they are right on the dot and I miss out.

Now that the "coincidences" are done, next subject.

Nothing ever works out

I know I know, you can't expect everything to go right all the time. I know. But nothing ever works out for me. Everything I attempt ends up failing and not working out. A few examples.

I am in the process of getting disability for my broken vertebrae, ADD, Autism and Schizophrenia. I know the majority of cases are denied, at least the first time or two, but I already know I'm going to get denied every time since my case is legitimate and I really need the money. I just know I will because that's how things go for me.


When I was trying to get money for a bus ticket I had a couple things I was selling on craigslist. I waited over a month, reposted the ads every day so they were at the top and they never sold, and they were priced extremely fair, well under other prices for the same things.

I tried donating blood and plasma to get a few extra dollars for food. Had to go all the way across the town and wait for 2+ hours, just to get denied because I had a seizure within the last year. That was in the state I was originally in. I moved out of state though, and it's been over a year since I had the seizure so I figured I'd try again. (this was more recent) Again, like I said I am homeless, so it's kinda hard to shower. I waited over an hour just to get denied because I "smelled like sweat and fish"

A bit less significant, when trying to download things on my phone, 90% of the time they fail, and I know they're going to fail before I even try. Again, that is a bit less significant but it's the fact that I think it happens on purpose that gets to me.

---------------------------------

So there you have it. Badically, my life is in shambles and I feel everything and everyone is 'against me' for, again, lack of a better term, and I am just wondering if it has anything to do with the soul selling matter.

Either way, the reality of everything just doesn't seem to make sense. I feel as if I am the only human and everything and everybody else is something else, like God is against me and 'everything isn't as it seems' Infact in correlation with everything I just said I am willing to bet this thread gets completely ignored, because if everyone was against me, why would they try to help me?
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Re: Desperately need some help...

PostThu Jan 15, 2015 12:13 am

Take your medication for schizophrenia, you do still have it. This thread is proof. Go to a doctor.
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Re: Desperately need some help...

PostThu Jan 15, 2015 1:39 am

I was on the meds for months and they made no difference at all.
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Re: Desperately need some help...

PostThu Jan 15, 2015 1:27 pm

I'd agree with Rainbowlicious that you should be on meds. If you think your meds aren't working I'd advise you to find some way to get in contact with your family and askf or help. I don't know, of course, if they will be able to provide it or to get you home to them where they can help you better, but I think that is the best course of action. Trying to handle everything on your own while obviously suffering from very serious mental delusions is only going to exacerbate your issues I think.

That said, this isn't a medical forum and nobody here is really qualified to give you any sort of medical advice that you should trust with your life. We aren't doctors and we don't honestly know wha tis best for you. I can understand if you have a distrust of doctors and health care in general, especially with the paranoid delusions you are afflicted with, but they are quite literally the most qualified people to help you. I only hope that you are able to get the help you need.

Please try to take care of yourself.
This message brought to you by My Brain, courtesy of My Fingers.

"We all are to some extent [agnostic]... So yes, I'm an 'agnostic', in as much as I don't actually know what happens when I die. I choose to operate under the assumption that God does not exist. I have no need for God in my life, the concept of a 'God' feels incredibly made up to me. It is not requisite for my every day living. For some people it is. They are 'theistic agnostics,' I am an 'atheistic agnostic.'" - Cara Santa Maria
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Re: Desperately need some help...

PostThu Jan 15, 2015 10:05 pm

I'm not really looking for medical advice, just wondering if all this is/could be tied in with me wanting to sell my soul, that is why I posted this here instead of a medical forum.
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Re: Desperately need some help...

PostThu Jan 15, 2015 10:14 pm

Highly doubtful, some will believe that it's a result of that, but your brain seems very wired to notice coincidences and become paranoid of them, so things that most people wouldn't notice or care about become important to you and you fixate on them or find them suspicious. Add to that and your schizophrenia the idea that you want to consort with demons and it is probably very likely to elevate all of those feelings and put a much more negative light on them.

A few on the forums would/will argue with me on this point, but demons are not an actual thing and the Devil doesn't exist, so there is no evil entity to sell your soul to or demonic energies affecting you. But if you fixate on dark things and bad omens you will be plagued by them.
This message brought to you by My Brain, courtesy of My Fingers.

"We all are to some extent [agnostic]... So yes, I'm an 'agnostic', in as much as I don't actually know what happens when I die. I choose to operate under the assumption that God does not exist. I have no need for God in my life, the concept of a 'God' feels incredibly made up to me. It is not requisite for my every day living. For some people it is. They are 'theistic agnostics,' I am an 'atheistic agnostic.'" - Cara Santa Maria
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Re: Desperately need some help...

PostFri Jan 16, 2015 3:31 pm

I don't think what you are going through has to do with you selling your soul if what you are writing is genuine. I say 'if what you are writing is genuine' because having known a few who have 'sold their souls' they tend to like putting things over on people. But assuming you are being genuine and truthful then I would say that if you did sell your soul and you do have schizophrenia then the desire to 'sell your soul' may very well have been due to having schizophrenia.

What you describe that you are going through are not the effects of selling your soul imo but are known effects of having schizophrenia. Focus on finding help for dealing with your illness. If the meds you were on didn't work then perhaps they were not the right meds for you, a qualified doctor can try you on something else..

Know that you are not alone in the symptoms you are experiencing, many others with the same illness have experienced the same things that you are and have thought that they are alone in what they are experiencing and that it is real.

quote:

Schizophrenia involves a range of problems with thinking (cognitive), behavior or emotions. Signs and symptoms may vary. Symptoms may include:

•Delusions. These are false beliefs that are not based in reality. For example, you're being harmed or harassed; certain gestures or comments are directed at you; you have exceptional ability or fame; another person is in love with you; a major catastrophe is about to occur; or your body is not functioning properly. Delusions occur in as many as 4 out of 5 people with schizophrenia.

read more here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-cond ... n-20021077

A social worker may be able to help you and I would suggest seeing a doctor. You hopefully would be qualified for some monetary help through government assistance via community/social services and low income housing to get you off the street. Are there any family members you can reach out to directly via telephone who would be of help? In either case I would suggest going to your local social/community services department if you haven't already gone that route to explain your situation as well as making a medical appointment with a qualified doctor.

Am not a medical person so these are just things I think would be helpful.

I hope you get the help you need, it would be very disheartening to be thinking that all these things are happening to you because you are under some kind of curse or because of a decision you made in the past. I hope you put your focus on getting well and taking steps to obtain the help you need that you are entitled to.

God is not against you, you are not cursed even though it may feel that way. You need help for the illness you have but having this illness is not your fault, just as it is not the fault of others who have gone through the same experiences thinking everyone is against them. You matter very much!!
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Re: Desperately need some help...

PostFri Jan 16, 2015 9:32 pm

Allstar wrote:I'm not really looking for medical advice, just wondering if all this is/could be tied in with me wanting to sell my soul, that is why I posted this here instead of a medical forum.


how about some spiritual advice?

let's start, my brother.

You say that ever since you consciously made the decision to sell your soul - things started to go wrong for you real bad, your explanations are above.

I ask you to consider something.

What if : the devil has already heard your plea, and is now going to make your life such a misery that when he does eventually approach you to seal the deal, you'll have no care for your soul at all and therefore, do the deal? he'll make you an offer you can't refuse (unless, you have "taqwa" and "imaan"... I'll explain those later in another post.)

You're not able to see this in your current state because I believe that the voices you hear are what we Muslims call "waswasa" - devilish whispers, these make you think the worst of any situation. like the world and all in it are against you, plotting against you, laughing at you, mocking you etc...

here, read this:

Surah: An Naas (chapter: Mankind)

I seek refuge in Allah from the outcast, Satan.
In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful

Say: I seek refuge in the Lord of mankind,
The King of mankind,
The God of mankind,
From the evil of the sneaking whisperer, (the devil)
Who whispereth in the hearts of mankind,
Of the jinn and of mankind.

Here is the audio in Arabic, listen to it and let me know what effect it has on you... do you twitch? Does your body make some involuntary movements? do you find it peaceful? or does it shake you so that you don't like it?

Your response will give me a better idea of what is actually affecting you... you're right, the meds won't work in cases of devils molesting your conscious.

here is the arabic recitation of the chapter (its really short)

phpBB [video]


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Re: Desperately need some help...

PostSat Jan 17, 2015 12:48 am

Loki wrote:Highly doubtful, some will believe that it's a result of that, but your brain seems very wired to notice coincidences and become paranoid of them, so things that most people wouldn't notice or care about become important to you and you fixate on them or find them suspicious. Add to that and your schizophrenia the idea that you want to consort with demons and it is probably very likely to elevate all of those feelings and put a much more negative light on them.

A few on the forums would/will argue with me on this point, but demons are not an actual thing and the Devil doesn't exist, so there is no evil entity to sell your soul to or demonic energies affecting you. But if you fixate on dark things and bad omens you will be plagued by them.


what up ? this staement how is it that u speak this as a fact the no demons and devils? educate me bro ....if need be u can also pm me ..pbwy
What is the point of winning,Only to lose are humanity in the end?
Created to give life but we destroy the worth of others preffering to be alone.
In this sadistic solitude proud to sit atop the throne crafted of human bone.
An idealistic fool, because i desire to help humnas swim to the shore of their ego created drowning pool.
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Re: Desperately need some help...

PostSat Jan 17, 2015 7:10 am

bro HB, Loki is a new ager type, ofcourse he won't believe in this stuff - far as I know, he doesn't follow any religion and just picks and chooses what he likes out of life and rejects that which doesn't fit with his fancies... when it comes to you and I, those who follow the book, we HAVE to learn in context the things we would otherwise reject, and so, we arm ourselves up with knowledge which is normally out of the scope of standardised human learning and the MSM pushed new age crap.

hence, I provided our brother Allstar here, with an alternative route, one which allows him to test the effect of Sacred Verses on his Soul... so far he hasn't gotten back yet... until he does, I can do nothing from where I sit.

Good to read you again bro HB :Smile: :Smile:

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I have nothing to do with any recommendations to join any war on any person , race or community. I do not support ISIS nor any other movement, I seek opportunities to unite mankind, I seek to look at common ground and choose to ignore differences. I do not support violence, I condemn it. I have no affiliations with any promoting of violence be it political, racial or religious.
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